My First Stupid Turkey

So it's 3:30 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day, all the sides are ready (except for the biscuits that are waiting on the turkey to come out of the oven so we can jack up the heat), the table is set. So what's up with the turkey? I followed the Cook's Illustrated recipe, and our bird is on the smaller end of the spectrum, but according to the thermometer it still has 15 degrees to go! (Just to be clear, I hold the chefs at Cook's Illustrated up there pretty close to God, and usually have no problems with their recipes.) And they're ticking by extremely slowly. This is my first attempt at cooking Thanksgiving dinner (with my mom and mother-in-law's help), and this is the first turkey I've ever tried to cook. And this happens. Let's hope the sides aren't completely cold by the time the stupid thing is done.

Here is the dumb turkey still cooking away:


Here are the moms (grandmoms!) and Merckx escaping the heat of the kitchen and enjoying the nice weather on the front porch:


And here is Jarrett showing his excitement over a cold, tasty beer, hoping to numb himself to better cope with his crazy, freaked-out, spastic wife: